I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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