True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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