I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
