what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
