If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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