Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
