I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize