apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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