a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize