Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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