My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
love makes seman taste better
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How external is "for external use only"?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
