I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize