I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
