when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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