she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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