You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
