1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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