Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
