I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am naked and annoyed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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