so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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