once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
