24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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