I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I will be naked everywhere
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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