y did u give ur computer a hand job?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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