My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize