I just cut my nipple shaving
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
