you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
