Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
