...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
