Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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