Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
