i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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