i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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