Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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