soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
