she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize