I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
