I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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