i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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