Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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