Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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