I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
When are your genitals available?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
