Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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