Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
