if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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