Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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