I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
