That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize