I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
