Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
