Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
FUCK WHALES
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
