got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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