After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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