We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
