my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
