she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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