so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
