I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize