new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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