i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
