the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
