God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
