She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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