I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
