why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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