So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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