I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
